Bollywood World

Rating : 3/10
Release Date : 22nd October, 2015
Time : 144 minutes
Director, Writer : Vikas Bahl; Co-Writers : Chaitally Parmar, Anvita Dutt; Music : Amit Trivedi;
Starring : Shahid Kapur; Alia Bhatt; Pankaj Kapur; Sushma Seth, Sanah, Sanjay Kapoor, Vikas Verma



This is a desperate attempt at cuteness

Frogs, an animation back story, dreams drawn on strips of paper, horses, damsels that need rescuing (or someone to make them sleep), glitzy sets, flying ladybugs, more abbreviations than in the Oxford dictionary, a cuddly kind of love, an unending supply of songs, Karan Johar, fireflies, Sindhi jokes rehashed, gold, a touching father-daughter relationship, imaginary cups of tea (with two cubes of sugar), fake moustaches and the gravelly voice of Naseeruddin Shah � everything is thrown at us in the vain hope that something sticks, something connects � anything to distract our attention from the fact that there is no story � and the only thing with real substance in the film is Sanah


Add to this potpourri, a dominating matriarch (Sushma Seth) � who has decided that Sanah, her grand-daughter (born to her son, Pankaj) will get married to a golden, glitzy, garish Sindhi family (headed by Sanjay Kapoor) - a kind of a business deal to save them from impending bankruptcy. The fact that Sanjay�s brother, the groom, Vikas, is a gym / protein shake obsessed, narcisstic idiot with eight (and a half) pack abs, and precious little else doesn�t make them think again. Nor does the fact that he so obviously doesn�t relish getting married to the slightly overweight but pretty, smart Sanah, make the entire clan even pause for thought.



Alia, meanwhile, is a poor, little, wee anath, brought home by Pankaj, against the wishes of his mom or his wife. Obviously, there is a predictable secret somewhere but no one really questions the otherwise jelly-in-front-of-his-mother Pankaj or dissuades him from doing so. Alia is an insomniac, reads a lot of books, is a trivia queen but like all good girls, is waiting for her prince to come and put her to sleep.


Enter Shahid. The wedding organizer in the rented mansion / hotel. Who also doubles up as lead dancer. He doesn�t hit it off with Pankaj. Does with Alia. And you can, pretty easily, fill in the rest of the blanks�


Alia and Sanah (Pankaj�s daughter in real life too) stole the show with their performances. Shahid and Pankaj tried just that teeny-weensy bit too hard. The rest hung around in the background for their two bit parts


This was an attempt at a fairy story. A kind of a reverse Sleeping Beauty � where an insomniac prince is needed to make the insomniac princess fall asleep � and learn to dream. Will work for you if you�re under 12. Or like songs. And big fat Indian weddings (pun intended). Or sets with twinkling lights, heart shapes and cuddly-wuddly stuff. But will stretch interminably and senselessly for all others. Vikas Bahl, after Queen, this Shaandaar failure ? Et tu ?!

Rating : 3/10
Release Date : 15th May, 2015
Time : 151 minutes
Director, Writer : Anurag Kashyap; Co-Writers : Vasan Bala, Gyan Prakash Thani; Music : Amit Trivedi
Starring : Ranbir Kapoor, Anushka Sharma, Karan Johar, Siddharth Basu, Manish Chaudhary, Satyadeep Misra, Kay Kay Menon, Vivaan Shah, Denzil Smith



Recipe for Bombay Velvet, a nouveau-riche cocktail�
? Take assorted good-looking characters � Ranbir, Anushka, Kay Kay, Manish Chaudhary - and do your best to make them unrecognizable
? Add oodles of inspiration from every famous American gangster movie & a few film noir classics � Scarface, Once Upon A Time in America, Chinatown � leave nothing out, as another such opportunity may not present itself
? Throw in tons of style � taken from above films � so what if its completely incongruous to the setting, surrounding
? Insert jazz � simply, just (perhaps its your favourite?)�So what if its Bombay in 1969
? Now, in probably the only ode to context, ignore everything above � and make the film a love story � (coz that�s what Indians really love, �innit ?)
? Actually � I correct myself � in another ode to context � give everyone back stories � force the audience to feel for the characters (coz Indian�s otherwise won't get it, would we?)
? Finally, to give it a rather unique flavor, add your olive equivalent � Karan Johar � only, again, make him unrecognizable, hide what really makes him tick�give him a serious face, make him look really odd, stilt his spontaneity



What comes out, not surprisingly, is green gooey gunk (reference : Rene Russo�s preferred early morning pick-me-up drink in Thomas Crown Affair � aha! � we have our own cinematic inspirations too !)�only this one has a few pieces of glitter floating around to try to make it look good�


Bombay Velvet is a right royal mess�tries to do too much, without getting the basics right � its like watching a pupil with three piano lessons attempting Bach�there is no character who you remotely understand, far less feel for � and with that kind of a fatal flaw, you can try as much style as you like, ultimately, the film's going to fall flat !



Ranbir is a kid, growing up in a brothel, who wants more. Gets into the company of Satyadeep, a street toughie. Then gets semi-adopted by Karan (why?), made the manager of the swankiest nightclub, Bombay Velvet (incomprehensibly so), but he still wants more. Finds the love of his life, Anushka (a singer, jazz of course, is there any other kind?), loses her, then gets her � and then plays she loves me, she loves me not with a 1969 petalled flower in the eminently forgettable second half � while we watch in what excruciatingly seems like slow motion� Oh � and in the middle of all this � he kills a lot of people, goes regularly to a �Fight Club� kind of bare-knuckle fighting arena where he more often than not gets thulped�(other people listen to music to unwind, Ranbir enjoys getting pulped)


Meanwhile, in the real action, Karan, a businessman, is trying to crack the big leagues, get in on the action where Bombay is being divvied up and sold to various builders. A powerful mayor, Siddharth Basu, and some supposedly incorruptible ministers and upright union folks are easily flipped or removed � but the only real thorn is Manish � who writes a English tabloid � and is communist by leaning and deplores all that is capitalist � but like most true communnists, lives in a really swanky pad and doesn�t mind a bit of action on the side�the other piece in the puzzle is Kay Kay Menon, a CBI inspector, who pretty much struts around and watches all the action from the sidelines. The last time we see him, he is, quite appropriately, throwing his hat on the road in disgust� Oh, and I did mention, right � everyone wears hats� In Bombay, in 1949 � 1969�its part of the American Gangsta styling�which btw, are also the kind of movies shown in ordinary theatres in the city...


At many points during the film, and then with vehemence at the end, you wonder what the hell is going on�how can you take one of the most like-able faces / personalities in our film industry (Ranbir) and turn him into this deeply flawed, near psychotic character, that no one can understand ? If you wanted to make a up-market gangster film � laudable, understandable desire to progress from Wasseypur to Bombay � why not make a crisp, action, film-noir styled thriller � why attempt thirty things in it ?


There are great sets but sadly no person you can relate to (Satyadeep is probably the only actor who can walk away with his head held high � in part because you understood him!)�the only moment which rang true was one where Karan, trying to keep a straight face at Ranbir�s broken English, has to go out to have a hearty laugh�everything else smacked of being forced, contrived. Vivaan Shah, in a bit part as a driver, for example, wears threads that are out of Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai and behaves like anything but a driver (drinks whiskey in expensive nightclubs, for example)� and there are about fifty jarring moments like this�



Sadly, this could�ve been brilliant�will lay half the blame straight away on the script�and the other half at the feet of the celebrated director, who unfortunately made this a bloated vanity project � one which seems was made keeping more than half an eye on the foreign awards, juries where he is such a darling...

PS : Why on earth was this shot for so many (over 60 days, for sure) in Sri Lanka ? Anyone ?