Bollywood World

Rating : 2/10
Release Date : 12th November, 2015
Time : 174 minutes
Director, Writer : Sooraj Barjatya; Music : Himesh Reshammiya;
Starring : Salman Khan, Sonam Kapoor, Anupam Kher, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Swara Bhaskar, Deepak Dobriyal, Armaan Kohli, Aashika Bhatia




This is not just a silly story, it�s a flawed, silly story dipped in gulab jamun ki chasni. It�s death with a thousand, slow, torturous cuts, and each cut is coated with sugar. It�s the same old, packaged as the same old � no attempts to give the story a modern twist � the heroine still simpers and makes semi-orgasmic expressions when the hero touches her and the hero still speaks as if he�s stuck in the black and white era. Nothing bad happens in the film but everything occurs in agonizing slow-motion, with camera shots from three different angles, music at every turn and characters looking like they are all in a Maanyavar ad.


Salman Khan has two roles. For his first one, he doesn�t have to stray too far from his previous film (Bajrangi Bhaijaan) and is a Ram-bhakt, expert participant of his local village Ram-Leela. Who fell in love with a princess, Sonam, as she descended from the steps of a helicopter (impeccably dressed) while conducting flood relief operations for her charity. He decides he�s going to meet her (with his side-kick Deepak Dobriyal), as she�s going to attend her fianc�e, a big-shot prince�s (the other Salman) crowning ceremony. However, evil forces are trying to take the life of this prince � there is a dastardly attack � and Ram-Leela Avatar is forced to step into the shoes of the Prince by the kingdom�s loyal advisor, Anupam Kher.


The Ram Bhakt soon realizes the Prince�s forte wasn�t human relationships - he has to mend quite a few fences � first with the Princess, Sonam, who�s mad at him for some past errors. Then with his step-sisters (Swara and Aashika) and then also with his step-brother (Neil). He proceeds to do this in full nautanki style, behaving illogically, inappropriately at every occasion. Like converting a formal function into a football match between men and women. Doing everything the Prince didn�t do � eat spicy food, cook, roam around with his fianc�e etc etc. We then have a couple of very predictable twists, dealt with in an equally predictable manner � some tears, some muscles, some melodrama � followed by an even more predictable ending.



Sonam continues to irritate. And display her lack of acting prowess. The fact that she also looks less than half her hero�s age doesn�t help the film. Salman has either of two expressions in the film � one is his beatific one, with folded hands, asking for forgiveness / love / help etc (in the villager role). The other is angry (in the Prince role). Anupam Kher takes over the Alok Nath sanskaari role, while Neil Nitin tries unsuccessfully to look angry while leading the spoilt, rich lifestyle.



Nothing, of course, makes any sense. You can begin with the logical questions (what was the villain�s grand plan at the end?). And then ask a few existential ones (why does Sonam get so many roles despite her impressive failure rate and equally impressive lack of acting skills ? Or even, Why do films like this get made at all ?)



There are a few moments of mirth but they are too far and few and are sandwiched between many minutes of agony. Every scene is stretched, really ridiculous songs are inserted at every possible opportunity (there is one song � I�ve named it the chaatwala song � where basically Deepak Dobriyal and Salman recount all the different kinds of savouries you get in India), tears milked whenever the chance presents itself � and it�s really a gooey, syrupy painful film where the hero can do and experience nothing bad. Apart from his heroine.

My review of the film in one sentence is presented in this audio file : Click Here

Rating : 3/10
Release Date : 22nd October, 2015
Time : 144 minutes
Director, Writer : Vikas Bahl; Co-Writers : Chaitally Parmar, Anvita Dutt; Music : Amit Trivedi;
Starring : Shahid Kapur; Alia Bhatt; Pankaj Kapur; Sushma Seth, Sanah, Sanjay Kapoor, Vikas Verma



This is a desperate attempt at cuteness

Frogs, an animation back story, dreams drawn on strips of paper, horses, damsels that need rescuing (or someone to make them sleep), glitzy sets, flying ladybugs, more abbreviations than in the Oxford dictionary, a cuddly kind of love, an unending supply of songs, Karan Johar, fireflies, Sindhi jokes rehashed, gold, a touching father-daughter relationship, imaginary cups of tea (with two cubes of sugar), fake moustaches and the gravelly voice of Naseeruddin Shah � everything is thrown at us in the vain hope that something sticks, something connects � anything to distract our attention from the fact that there is no story � and the only thing with real substance in the film is Sanah


Add to this potpourri, a dominating matriarch (Sushma Seth) � who has decided that Sanah, her grand-daughter (born to her son, Pankaj) will get married to a golden, glitzy, garish Sindhi family (headed by Sanjay Kapoor) - a kind of a business deal to save them from impending bankruptcy. The fact that Sanjay�s brother, the groom, Vikas, is a gym / protein shake obsessed, narcisstic idiot with eight (and a half) pack abs, and precious little else doesn�t make them think again. Nor does the fact that he so obviously doesn�t relish getting married to the slightly overweight but pretty, smart Sanah, make the entire clan even pause for thought.



Alia, meanwhile, is a poor, little, wee anath, brought home by Pankaj, against the wishes of his mom or his wife. Obviously, there is a predictable secret somewhere but no one really questions the otherwise jelly-in-front-of-his-mother Pankaj or dissuades him from doing so. Alia is an insomniac, reads a lot of books, is a trivia queen but like all good girls, is waiting for her prince to come and put her to sleep.


Enter Shahid. The wedding organizer in the rented mansion / hotel. Who also doubles up as lead dancer. He doesn�t hit it off with Pankaj. Does with Alia. And you can, pretty easily, fill in the rest of the blanks�


Alia and Sanah (Pankaj�s daughter in real life too) stole the show with their performances. Shahid and Pankaj tried just that teeny-weensy bit too hard. The rest hung around in the background for their two bit parts


This was an attempt at a fairy story. A kind of a reverse Sleeping Beauty � where an insomniac prince is needed to make the insomniac princess fall asleep � and learn to dream. Will work for you if you�re under 12. Or like songs. And big fat Indian weddings (pun intended). Or sets with twinkling lights, heart shapes and cuddly-wuddly stuff. But will stretch interminably and senselessly for all others. Vikas Bahl, after Queen, this Shaandaar failure ? Et tu ?!

Rating : 3/10
Release Date : 15th May, 2015
Time : 151 minutes
Director, Writer : Anurag Kashyap; Co-Writers : Vasan Bala, Gyan Prakash Thani; Music : Amit Trivedi
Starring : Ranbir Kapoor, Anushka Sharma, Karan Johar, Siddharth Basu, Manish Chaudhary, Satyadeep Misra, Kay Kay Menon, Vivaan Shah, Denzil Smith



Recipe for Bombay Velvet, a nouveau-riche cocktail�
? Take assorted good-looking characters � Ranbir, Anushka, Kay Kay, Manish Chaudhary - and do your best to make them unrecognizable
? Add oodles of inspiration from every famous American gangster movie & a few film noir classics � Scarface, Once Upon A Time in America, Chinatown � leave nothing out, as another such opportunity may not present itself
? Throw in tons of style � taken from above films � so what if its completely incongruous to the setting, surrounding
? Insert jazz � simply, just (perhaps its your favourite?)�So what if its Bombay in 1969
? Now, in probably the only ode to context, ignore everything above � and make the film a love story � (coz that�s what Indians really love, �innit ?)
? Actually � I correct myself � in another ode to context � give everyone back stories � force the audience to feel for the characters (coz Indian�s otherwise won't get it, would we?)
? Finally, to give it a rather unique flavor, add your olive equivalent � Karan Johar � only, again, make him unrecognizable, hide what really makes him tick�give him a serious face, make him look really odd, stilt his spontaneity



What comes out, not surprisingly, is green gooey gunk (reference : Rene Russo�s preferred early morning pick-me-up drink in Thomas Crown Affair � aha! � we have our own cinematic inspirations too !)�only this one has a few pieces of glitter floating around to try to make it look good�


Bombay Velvet is a right royal mess�tries to do too much, without getting the basics right � its like watching a pupil with three piano lessons attempting Bach�there is no character who you remotely understand, far less feel for � and with that kind of a fatal flaw, you can try as much style as you like, ultimately, the film's going to fall flat !



Ranbir is a kid, growing up in a brothel, who wants more. Gets into the company of Satyadeep, a street toughie. Then gets semi-adopted by Karan (why?), made the manager of the swankiest nightclub, Bombay Velvet (incomprehensibly so), but he still wants more. Finds the love of his life, Anushka (a singer, jazz of course, is there any other kind?), loses her, then gets her � and then plays she loves me, she loves me not with a 1969 petalled flower in the eminently forgettable second half � while we watch in what excruciatingly seems like slow motion� Oh � and in the middle of all this � he kills a lot of people, goes regularly to a �Fight Club� kind of bare-knuckle fighting arena where he more often than not gets thulped�(other people listen to music to unwind, Ranbir enjoys getting pulped)


Meanwhile, in the real action, Karan, a businessman, is trying to crack the big leagues, get in on the action where Bombay is being divvied up and sold to various builders. A powerful mayor, Siddharth Basu, and some supposedly incorruptible ministers and upright union folks are easily flipped or removed � but the only real thorn is Manish � who writes a English tabloid � and is communist by leaning and deplores all that is capitalist � but like most true communnists, lives in a really swanky pad and doesn�t mind a bit of action on the side�the other piece in the puzzle is Kay Kay Menon, a CBI inspector, who pretty much struts around and watches all the action from the sidelines. The last time we see him, he is, quite appropriately, throwing his hat on the road in disgust� Oh, and I did mention, right � everyone wears hats� In Bombay, in 1949 � 1969�its part of the American Gangsta styling�which btw, are also the kind of movies shown in ordinary theatres in the city...


At many points during the film, and then with vehemence at the end, you wonder what the hell is going on�how can you take one of the most like-able faces / personalities in our film industry (Ranbir) and turn him into this deeply flawed, near psychotic character, that no one can understand ? If you wanted to make a up-market gangster film � laudable, understandable desire to progress from Wasseypur to Bombay � why not make a crisp, action, film-noir styled thriller � why attempt thirty things in it ?


There are great sets but sadly no person you can relate to (Satyadeep is probably the only actor who can walk away with his head held high � in part because you understood him!)�the only moment which rang true was one where Karan, trying to keep a straight face at Ranbir�s broken English, has to go out to have a hearty laugh�everything else smacked of being forced, contrived. Vivaan Shah, in a bit part as a driver, for example, wears threads that are out of Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai and behaves like anything but a driver (drinks whiskey in expensive nightclubs, for example)� and there are about fifty jarring moments like this�



Sadly, this could�ve been brilliant�will lay half the blame straight away on the script�and the other half at the feet of the celebrated director, who unfortunately made this a bloated vanity project � one which seems was made keeping more than half an eye on the foreign awards, juries where he is such a darling...

PS : Why on earth was this shot for so many (over 60 days, for sure) in Sri Lanka ? Anyone ?

Rating : 6/10
Release Date : 2nd October, 2014
Time : 156 minutes
Director : Siddharth Anand; Writers : Sujoy Ghosh, Suresh Nair (remake of Knight And Day); Music : Vishal � Shekhar (songs), Salim � Sulaiman (background score)
Starring : Hrithik Roshan, Katrina Kaif, Danny Denzongpa, Javed Jaffrey, Pawan Malhotra, Parth Akerkar



It�s a light, air-headed, feel-good watch, works to the extent it does because of Hrithik, the chemistry between him and Katrina, a few dabs of humour, the locales, the few sequences lifted directly from Knight and Day and its overall pace. It is let down, quite badly, by the amateurish attempt to Indianize the film by injecting emotion, melodrama and back stories (the whole subplot involving Jimmy Shergill, Kanwaljeet and Deepti Naval), the Indo-British angle / Kohinoor bit and to an extent, Katrina, who apart from looking smoking hot, doesn�t really succeed in making us believe in her character, a bubbly, normal woman involved in an international intrigue which takes her way out of her comfort zone.



Katrina, a bank receptionist in Simla, leading a humdrum, routine life, somehow catches the eye of the mysterious Hrithik, who has just stolen the Kohinoor diamond from the Tower of London and is trying to complete its sale to an over the top, caricaturish villain, Danny Denzongpa and his brother, Javed Jaffrey. Chased by cops, secret service (Pawan Malhotra) and the villains henchmen, including a bumbling Parth Akerkar, the movie involves lots of chase sequences over air, water and land while the lead pair sort out their feelings for each other.



Hrithik is a delight, doing what he does best, in familiar territory (similar terrain as his Dhoom 2 avatar). There is something about him that makes you believe in him, trust him, managing to make even his outrageous character seem credible in parts. Katrina looks very nice, as always, shares an easy rapport with Hrithik, fresh off their Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara pairing but finds it hard to look sexy, with her million buck pout and still portray a normal, next door woman, in a situation way over her head. The plot is ludicrous, especially the new bits, but redeemed by its touches of humour including Hrithik teasing Katrina about her online dating foray or Parth�s bumbling buffoonery.


The action sequences are good, slick, though apart from the water flyboarding sequence smack of same old, same old and in some cases, especially the desert finale, the special effects, computer graphics seem obvious. Couple of songs get your feet tapping and the gorgeous locations definitely uplift the mood and provide the right environment for the great looking lead pair.



This film is more about looks than any substance. About trying to provide an entertaining couple of hours rather than any thoughts or images to stay with you after you leave the hall. It�s the equivalent of a great looking date, who�s good for that one night out, but with whom its hard to develop any sort of meaningful relationship

Rating : 8/10
Release Date : 12th September, 2014
Time : 102 minutes
Director: Homi Adajania; Writer : Homi Adajania, Kersi Khambatta; Music : Mathias Duplessy
Starring : Deepika Padukone, Naseeruddin Shah, Dimple Kapadia, Pankaj Kapur, Arjun Kapoor, Anand Tiwari, Ankur Tewari



Naseeruddin Shah : is a shy, solemn loner, the post master in a village where no one posts or receives any mail, still is a choirboy singer even though his days of being a boy are well behind him. And he brays, nay, sobs inconsolably as he receives a marriage proposal he�d made to his beloved Fanny via mail, forty-six years ago. It was never posted ! And the only one who understands him, is willing to help him is the girl he considers to be like a daughter, who he thinks will make one lucky bugger a great wife�Deepika�


Deepika Padukone : ethereal, leggy, flashing that dimpled smile of hers, a vision in floral dresses, floating through their tiny Goan village, remains upbeat despite all that�s happened to her, with her husband choking to death on her wedding day, she till today isn�t sure whether she should�ve accepted her hubby�s proposal or gone with his friend instead, her quiet admirer, the quiet, quite infatuated� Arjun�.


Arjun Kapoor : left town the day Deepika was going to get married. Rumour has it he went to Mumbai and was successful in some business. Is now back in their village. Not happy about how things have turned out. Prone to angry outbursts. Alone in his dilapidated house, which is falling apart. And working on his old car, which is also falling apart. Which he�s just sold to�Pankaj�.


Pankaj Kapur : is the new man in town, an award winning artist, a painter who earns huge sums for his every brush stroke. Is enjoying his solitude, the idyllic sylvan surroundings, his alcohol. And is also indulging in his fetish for �big� women�by ogling at Dimple�


Dimple Kapadia : who does have a really large ass ! Also happens to be Deepika�s mother in law and house mate, the woman who makes the tiny village tick, the one who organizes everything and loves being the centre of attention�the type who will try to commit suicide but will cough first to make sure someone is watching�the stingy type who will hide the cookies if she thinks her guest is eating too many�the type who feels too many drinks don�t agree with her legs. Gout? Inquires Pankaj, solicitously ? No, she laughs, it makes them spread open�


These five quirky characters set off on a drive to locate Naseer�s precious Fanny. In the dilapidated car. From the village that we�re assured is so tiny, you cant locate it on a map. And interesting things happen on the way.



This is one of those delicious movies where its not so much about the story but more about the characters and the conversations. Where the script and the dialogue is, quite refreshingly, actually king. Where the music sets the mood but doesn�t overpower. Where the performances by the stalwarts, Pankaj, Naseer are every bit what you would expect � they get into the skin of their assigned roles, changing body language, their walk, their way of talking to ensure we believe in them. Pankaj, in particular, has more scope to display his intensity, especially in a little bit towards the end.




Dimple is very good too, dominating yet hesitantly finding her way through the challenges life has thrown at her. Arjun has probably the most unidimensional role and he does it credit. In acting chops, probably the one who has to go the furthest, but he can still hold his head high after this one. And Deepika�ah, sweet, lovely, Deepika! Anyone who doubts whether she can act�I mean, really act�better be advised to watch this one. None of the histrionics, over the top gestures and mannerisms of say, Chennai Express�just subtle changes of expressions, a slightly quizzical mien of inner happiness with just a smidgen of indecision.



This is one of those films which is about journeys, self-discovery, life and more. The lessons made easy with the humour and the idiosyncratic dramatis personae. Set in a place where we all wish we could be�simpler, where time seems to stand still. And its not so much about Finding Fanny, but finding love�at any age�